


As I Once Was

by NextofKin



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Adultery, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bending (Avatar), Explicit Language, F/M, Family Secrets, Forgiveness, From Sex to Love, Genocide, Hurt/Comfort, Lies, Love/Hate, Post-War, Rebellion, Secret Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Survival, Temptation, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24535564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NextofKin/pseuds/NextofKin
Summary: Inzali and her family had a secret, an old secret.  Hidden for a hundred years in the streets of Lower Ba Sing Se, a family descended from a single surviving air-nomad from the southern air temple lived in terror that one day somebody would discover that the avatar wasn’t the only air-bender left in the world.  Inzali had gotten quite good at hiding her identity, even forgetting most days her true heritage.  That was until she met Lee, a stubborn, complicated, and ill-mannered boy that worked in her neighborhood’s local teashop.  Now the truth is inescapable. When Lee reveals a secret of his own, Inzali finds herself torn between her love for the grumpy tea-boy and her duty to protect her family from him.
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Toph Beifong/Sokka, Zuko (Avatar)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	As I Once Was

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am new to posting my writing on any platform, like anywhere haha so comments are greatly appreciated. I found this old piece I wrote a long time ago knocking around my documents folder and thought it was appropriate with Avatar streaming again.

Perspiration dripped down the sides of my face in salty droplets, mixing with the dirty grit stuck to my skin from a day of training. I felt an itchy drop trail into my eyebrow, which I swiftly wiped away. My new clothes were supposed to make this kind of work easier. The light orange and gold robes usually hung loosely around my body so as to fill with wind and air when I bended. Right now they clung to my sweaty body in sticky drapes, twisting awkwardly when I moved.

And it felt amazing.

It was easy to forget here, in this beautiful place, that I ever had to hide who I was. Here, I was free. I could bend in front of people without fear of death or imprisonment; I could tell people who I was, be _proud_ of who I was without the threat of the Fire Nation looming over me. It had been a few weeks since I'd found the avatar, and so far it had been the best few weeks of my life.

Panting with exertion, I took a moment to walk around the smooth earthen surface of the area with my hands above my head. A little break wouldn’t hurt. The setting sun cast a rich yellow light among the serene spires of the Southern Air Temple. Flocks of birds glided through the floating mountains, dipping and diving with the breeze. Thick vines crept up all the walls of the arena except for the steps, which lead to the main courtyards and temples. The furthest side of the arena had no walls, no steps, just a steep and sudden drop off the mountainside where air-benders once launched themselves into the sky to glide around. Now it was only Aang that did that, a sobering thought. One day I knew I would join him, but I was nowhere near ready to take that leap (pun absolutely intended). The thought of diving into the open air, nothing but hundreds of feet of empty space beneath me, made my knees a little weak. Imagine that, an air-bender afraid of heights. 

In my defense, I was raised in the Earth Kingdom .

I completed my lap of the arena and resumed my stance to attempt one more move. I had only seen Aang do it, and honestly it might’ve been something only the avatar was capable of doing. I was too embarrassed to ask for help with it since the rest of my bending was so unrefined. There were other things I should be trying to figure out first, I knew. _One step at a_ time, I heard Aang’s voice in my head, _You can’t master everything in a day._ But I could damn well try.

I began the circular motions with my arms, gently encapsulating my body in a small tunnel of wind from my waist down. I wasn’t sure if this was how it was done, but it felt right. I started moving faster, the gentle cyclone now whipping my hair and clothes around my body. Just a little faster….

My feet lifted from the ground. With a jolt of pure elation, I felt myself become utterly weightless. I focused hard to balance myself, to stay only a few feet from the ground and allow the air to support me. _You can guide the air, but never control it; you are its guest,_ Aang had said. Now just to get a little higher…

Something flew out of nowhere and smacked me directly in the face. With a shriek, I unceremoniously fell to the ground with a heavy thud, completely befuddled. Wiping tangled grey hair from my eyes, I found a ball of fur and ears situated in my lap. Momo stared up at me with innocent, round eyes.

“You little shit,” I muttered with a grin, mussing the peach fuzz on the top of his little head. He purred and pushed his head into my hand contently. It would be criminal to stay angry with this little guy. Somewhere in the upper courtyards someone called my name. I recognized the sound of Aang’s voice. He called out once more, sounding a bit closer.

“Down here!” I called back, Momo shooting from my lap and landing a few feet away looking disgruntled with my sudden outburst. I stood up and dusted myself off as best I could. Between the sweat and wind, I was caked in a thick layer of grime that would need much more attention than a quick dusting. I lifted my gaze to the top of the arena’s steps, shielding my eyes from the dying glow of afternoon sun. Aang erupted into view, riding a sphere of air down the steps at full speed with the goofiest grin on his face. I couldn’t help but smile. He might be the avatar, but he was still a kid.

“You’re excited,” I noted with a smile as I strolled to the bottom of the steps to meet him, “What’s the occasion?”

“I have the _best_ news!” He stood a few inches shorter than me, looking up at me brightly with his big eyes. Aang’s general enthusiasm for life had him in a constant state of excitement it seemed. Normally a more reserved person, it was a lot for me to get used to at first. All things considered, he _did_ seem more excited than usual. I cocked my head and raised one eyebrow.

“The best news, huh? Did Toph wash her feet finally- wait wait no, Sokka drew something that _isn't_ offensively terrible?” Aang quickly dismissed my sarcasm, unperturbed.

“You’re going to meet the Firelord! I’ve been wanting you two to meet for a while now but we’ve all been so busy and finally he’s free and so we’re leaving in three days to go to the Fire Nation...” Aang gushed on and on, his face the picture of joy as Momo joined in the excitement, whizzing through the air behind Aang. His voice was drowned out in the sudden ringing in my ears. My stomach dropped and anxiety like thick black vines gripped my heart. _Zuko…_

“… his uncle Iroh will be there too and I think you guys will get along well. He makes really delicious tea and- Inzali?” He stopped suddenly, now noticing the discomfort that was no doubt splattered all over my face like stink on Appa. “You look awful, what’s wrong? Are you gonna be sick?” I was shaking my head no as I rubbed my forehead.

“Uh, no, I’m ok,” I stammered, reaching for my words, “Just, um, _super_ tired from training, y’know. I think I should- uh- just go to bed or something.” I pushed past him and started up the stairs. Aang was hot on my heels, rushing up the steps beside me.

“Are you sure? You really don’t look good,” I could hear the concern in his voice but good _god_ kid. _Just please let me run away from my problems like the big kid I am._ “I can get Katara-“

“I said I’m fine!” I hissed with too much anger. As soon as the words were out I regretted them. Aang seemed to deflate, hurt shooting across his face. _Balls._

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly, “That- that was rude of me.” I felt tears beginning to sting my eyes and I looked down in panic. This was getting out of hand fast. If he saw me this upset, it was useless to try to convince him I was fine, then he’d press to know why and that was a can of beetle-worms I was not about to open up. 

“Inzali,” Aang said my name quietly, in his seldom-heard serious voice, “What’s wrong? Did something happen during training? You know I’m always happy to help you, anytime-” I lifted my gaze to look at him and his brow furrowed at the sight of my red eyes.

“It’s not that,” I said, my voice thick. Goddammit. I was dangling somewhere between maintaining my dignity and crying like a moron, and talking about what was bothering me was a definite way to make things worse.

“I’d rather not talk about it,” my voice is curt and hard, “I can’t go with you to the Fire Nation Aang.” Keep it short and simple, he doesn’t need details.

“Oh- _oh_ ,” he seemed shocked at first but then understanding hit him and he slapped his hand over his forehead. “The occupation... I’m sorry, I didn’t even consider that. I got so excited for you to meet my friend that I didn’t think about how you would feel being there.” He wasn’t entirely right (nor was he entirely wrong), but the occupation alone was a good enough reason.

“Yea… the occupation,” I said, nodding my head, “I don’t think I can be around _those_ people.” Very real contempt leaked into my voice. Aang looked at me with eerie maturity, reminding me that his consciousness was much older than his fourteen-year-old body.

“I understand,” he breathed in a voice that sounded thousands of miles away, “Forgiveness for evil like that doesn’t come easily.” He took a deep breath and gazed off into the mountains, “When I first came here, after Katara and Sokka pulled me from the ice, I…I found the bones of my old teacher Gyatso. I still don’t know what happened, but I knew Firebenders killed him. I’ve never felt grief like that. It was stupid of me to not think about how the Fire Nation has hurt you too.” He met my gaze again, “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not stupid Aang,” I said in a small voice, feeling like _I_ was the child. “I know you were just excited. But going there… I’m not ready for that and I- I don’t think I ever will be.” I could see he was disappointed, and that eerie maturity still hung heavily on his features. He regarded me, his eyes scanning my face like he was reading a scroll. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

“I think we should meditate together, about this. We don’t have to do it now or anytime soon, but I think it would help you cope with the pain. The Fire Nation is a part of this world Inzali.”

I got the distinct feeling he wanted to say something else, but he seemed to reconsider it. “Want to have dinner in your room tonight? No one would be upset if you needed some time alone.”

“That sounds nice,” I said with a nod, “Again though Aang, I’m sorry for snapping at you. That was unfair.” He smiled but the spark from before was out. We went our separate ways, he to the dining hall where he would meet our friends and they’d laugh together over a delicious hot meal, and me to the showers where I would most definitely cry and go to bed alone. I sighed in resignation. This day had so much potential.

Waves of little bumps rippled across my skin as warm water washed over me. Showering in this place usually was an unpleasant experience. The water was so frigid that anything remotely enjoyable about being clean suddenly wasn’t worth it. But they lit the furnaces at night to warm the dormitories and the shower water also got a boost.

I smoothed a glistening bar of soap across my belly, leaving a trail of white bubbles in its wake. I finished washing up a long time ago, but there was something about hot water and steam that makes you want to really think. And that night, I had so much to think about.

_Inzali…_

I heard it in my mind as clearly as I had on those warm summer nights. My name, as he moaned it against my throat under the glow of the moon.

 _Inzali…_ it caresses my ears like a whisper.

A fresh wave of goose bumps that had nothing to do with the warm water erupted across my body. Heavily lidded eyes like pots of liquid gold devouring me in a single glance, his strong, scarred hands that knotted into my hair, warm lips pressed against my skin… I felt suddenly like gagging.

I shivered in disgust, my skin crawling as if I were teeming with parasites. The weight of my sins infected me like a disease. My throat seized as I shook with rage. I took a deep, ragged breath and clenched both of my fists into tight balls, my knuckles white with tension. It took me a few more deep breaths to regain my composure and I finally relaxed my tightly fisted hands. I knew Aang was right, that mediation would help me cope. Help me find some way to move on. I didn’t know who’d be harder to forgive though, Zuko or myself. There was no moving on from this, not entirely. With a heavy sigh, I pulled the lever to stop the flow of water and stood for a moment in the quiet stall.

“Get it together dummy,” I muttered to myself. My life was different now, my family was safe, and the Fire Nation lost the war. And I’d only heard good things about the new Firelord- perhaps he’d changed. So if everything turned out ok, why was I still so _angry_? I heard footsteps echoing down the hall outside the showers and the sound of excited voices approaching. Katara and Toph came bustling into the showers, gushing about the quality of the fruit pies that evening. And _that_ was my queue to leave. Still feeling quite anti-social, I waited in my stall until I heard both their stall doors close and showers running before I snagged my towel off its hook and headed for the solitude of my dormitory.

My door came to a squealing close behind me. A tray of food was perched atop my dresser to the immediate left of the door and my stomach growled. I poked at the fruit pie with one finger, which admittedly looked much better than usual. I sucked the whipped cream off my finger, and despite the sweetness and the persistent growling in my stomach, I just didn’t feel like eating. I quietly pulled on my pajamas, a heavy pall of melancholia enveloping me. My chest felt tight and hollow, like a gusty breeze was blowing through my core.

It was just stupid. No matter how many times I thought things over, agonized over the past, stressed and worried about things I couldn’t change, I always came back to one clear and inalienable truth: I should’ve never taken the job at the Jasmine Dragon.


End file.
